


I'm Just a Sucker for Pain

by oliverwxod



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Avengers AU, Bucky Barnes - Freeform, Bucky Barnes AU, Bucky barnes x reader - Freeform, F/M, Fluff, Implied Smut, Smut, bucky barnes imagine, happy endings, sad bucky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-05
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-09-12 06:41:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16868029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oliverwxod/pseuds/oliverwxod
Summary: People will do anything to just feel something. They find out they are both so similar, doing whatever it takes to feel something, risking their lives on missions for the thrill of it. Bucky struggles to keep things between him and Y/n professional after spending the night together after a mission, he finally felt something and doesn’t want to let it go.





	I'm Just a Sucker for Pain

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, I'll be posting all my works from tumblr (oliverwxod) onto here over the next month, so if you like this then maybe give me a little follow x

“y/n get back to the jet now” Steve demanded through her ear piece.

“give me a minute, I’ve still got two of them to take out” she replied breathless as she was fighting off a man dressed all in black, who seemed not to be tiring out or giving up anytime soon.

“not again” she heard Steve mutter under his breath. “y/n i’m going to tell you one more time” Steve warned. “get back now, we need to go” 

She was pushed to the ground roughly, hitting the floor with with a loud bang, the air being fully knocked out of her, mumbling profanities under her breath. 

“what’s happening?” Steve asked worried, he may treat her a bit harsher than the others sometimes as she needed the most direction, but he still cared a lot for her.

“it’s nothing” she replied, trying to push the weight of the man who was now pinning her down to the ground, his hand wrapped tightly around her neck. 

She struggled with him for a minute before being able to move her knee, jamming it upwards and hitting him in the most painful area. He groaned in pain, rolling to the side and allowing her to leap up, reaching for her gun and shooting him without hesitation.

“jesus y/n” Steve was mumbling and she just knew he was shaking his head at her.

“now coming Cap” she spoke “don’t need to worry” she started running to where the jet would be.

She saw it up ahead of her, Bucky waiting at the bottom of the steps for her, helping her up when she reached him.

“you’re gonna drive him crazy doll” Bucky spoke.

“he worry’s too much, you know what he’s like” she replied.

Bucky chuckled, shaking his head as she walked past him and further into the jet where Steve was waiting to tell her off.

“y/n” Steve spoke trying to be intimidating but it never worked. She would always see him for who he really was deep down, a true softie.

“Captain” she said wiggling her eyebrows.

“what have I told you previously, again and again.” he spoke his voice not wavering, he was determined to be strong with her.

“uh- I don’t know” she shrugged knowing full well what he was referring to. “to stop teasing Bucky?”

“Y/n you have to stop risking your life more than you already do” Steve said. “I couldn’t live with my self if I was to lose you under my supervision”

“you make me sound like a child” she mumbled hating how Steve was telling her off.

She walked over to the seats sitting down next to where Bucky was. He had been watching the conversation between y/n and Steve, curious as to why this always happened on missions, why y/n was so intent of making sure all people were dealt with even though it would risk her life even more. 

He wanted to personally know why because sometimes he found himself doing it too. He found it thrilling, the adrenaline pumping through his body as fought others. It made him feel alive. It was a good feeling compared to the numbing pain he always felt.

It was silent as the jet flew them back to the Avengers tower. 

“give me the run down” Tony spoke once they entered his lab, he was focusing on something under the microscope.

“well…” Steve started making Tony look up. “it went… fine” 

“fine as in no problems?” Tony asked “or fine as in Y/n nearly got herself killed… again” 

“the later” Steve spoke.

Y/n glared at him for always snitching on her.

“in my defense, I took out the last two people there, we couldn’t have left them” she spoke. 

“what have we spoken about before y/n, you need to stop being so reckless” Tony spoke, his tone serious.

Tony was hardly ever serious and y/n hated that she was the reason why he was talking so.

“okay i’m sorry, It won’t happen again” she said. 

“at least say it like you mean it” Steve spoke. 

She rolled her eyes “fine, I promise okay, I literally won’t do it again” 

They stared at her for a moment before accepting it. 

——————————————————————————————————

Y/n went straight to the training room, hitting the punching bag repeatedly until her knuckles bleed. 

She was sick and tired of feeling nothing. Her thoughts were going crazy, flashbacks of people she had killed, watching the life drain out of them. It only made her hit the bag more harshly, crying out at the pain the last hit caused.

Her hands were now covered in blood. She winced as she stretched her fingers out, running her other hand over where the skin on her knuckles had split. She hissed at the pain before she pressed down on them.

It was wrong and she knew it, but at least it made her feel something. She thought she must be crazy, far from normal, but that was the life she had ended up in. A mess of everything.

“why do you do it?” A voice from behind her startled her. 

She turned around, careful to keep her hands hidden.

“Bucky?” she spoke in shock.

“why do you constantly risk your life?” he asked making his way from near the door so he could stand closer to her. 

“I- I don’t know” she shrugged.

“yes you do” 

“I guess… well I guess it just makes me feel something you know… like there’s another feeling there, anything… fear, adrenaline… it’s all better than feeling nothing right?” she said, her heart swelled at the pained expression on Bucky’s face. That was a new feeling. 

“god, you probably think i’m so messed up right now” she groaned.

“No.” he replied shaking his head “ I understand actually” he spoke making her head snap up in surprise to meet his eyes. 

“y-you do?” 

“yes. Anything’s better than feeling nothing” he said quietly. 

Y/n gave him a small smile, the two of them comforted by the fact they both felt the same. It made Bucky think of himself as less of an outsider to the Avengers. 

“i’m glad i’m not the only one” she said.

“but I think you should find a different way to feel something” he spoke “a way that’s not going to give Steve and Tony a heart attack every mission.”

“what do you suggest?” she asked raising one eyebrow.

“I don’t know doll” he shrugged.

She walked across the room towards the side, reaching for her water bottle. Bucky’s eyes following her every move.

his eyes landed on her hands, red with dried blood, her knuckles split from punching. 

“doll…” he spoke making her look up at him in question, she frowned as he approached her. Reaching for her hand and lifting it up making her wince. 

“what is this?” he asked even though he knew. 

“oh- it’s just from the bag, i forgot to wrap my hands first and I didn’t notice until after I finished.

Bucky frowned at her blatant lying, turning her hand around and softly skimming his thumb over the raised skin. Y/n watched how careful he was being with her, her heart clenching again, it was that unknown feeling again.

“find a different way to feel something” she remembered Bucky’s words from minutes earlier.

Her other hand came up to rest on Bucky’s cheek making him close his eyes at the feeling. She leaned forward slightly hesitantly. Bucky waited, knowing what she was going to do. 

She was going to use him to feel something. And he let her.

She leaned into him more confidently, brushing her lips against his, Bucky responded, pressing his lips more harshly to hers, the sparks he felt lighting his body, sparking a new feeling in him, much like the one y/n was feeling. 

She pulled away, there eyes meeting. 

“i’m going to shower, you’re welcome to join” she spoke smirking at him as she walked past him.

Bucky stared at her retreating figure before his brain kicked in and he followed her.

——————————————————————————————————

The next morning Bucky lay in her bed staring at the ceiling, a new feeling settling in his stomach. He hadn’t moved much and didn’t want to, it was too painful for him to face the day. When had woken half an hour ago he expected y/n to still be by his side after the night they had shared together. 

But she wasn’t and it hurt. 

But at least he felt something. 

Even if it was used. 

Because at the end of the day he was doing exactly the same to her, using y/n to feel something.

————————————————————————————————–

It became a frequent thing in their lives over the past few months. Sleeping together, one of them leaving in the morning, then acting like nothing happened for the rest of the day.

At least Steve and Tony seemed less stressed on missions now as Y/n had stopped purposely risking her life.

Bucky was becoming more confident in himself lately, Steve noticing, happy for his friend who was coming out of his shell. He still had a long way to go but it was positive progress. Yet he had no idea where it had all come from.

Not until he saw Bucky leaving her room one morning. 

Bucky had walked straight out into the corridor coming face to face with Steve. 

“Bucky?” he asked, having to do a double take, looking at the door of y/n’s room before looking back to Bucky.

“Steve- I uh…” Bucky also looked at her door before looking back to Steve, not knowing how to explain himself. 

“you- you and Y/N?” he asked confused.

“it’s not what it looks like… I mean… well maybe it is but-”

“you’re together?” he asked shocked. Piecing it all together in his head. How Bucky seemed happier recently, more confident in front of everyone, how y/n stopped risking her life and doing stupid things on missions.

“no - it’s not like that” Bucky said making his friends smile drop.

“what do you mean?” Steve asked frowning.

It was silent as Steve watched the soldier who had become uncomfortable, not knowing what to say.

“so… you’re sleeping together, but not together?…” Steve asked unsure,.

“yeah - I guess “ Bucky replied.

“you- uh you want to talk about it?” Steve asked, the awkwardness settling around them.

“She’s just a good distraction” Bucky spoke watching Steve’s reaction. Steve squinted his face full of confusion. 

“does y/n know that?” Steve asked.

“yeah, it’s the same for the both of us. She uses me, I use her, it’s a win win situation” He spoke, yet his voice gave away that he wasn’t telling the truth.

“are you sure?”

Bucky nodded, clearly not wanting to talk about it anymore.

——————————————————————————————————

Later in the day Steve had called for a training session for the previous up coming mission. They had intelligence that the base they were going to was armed full of skilled combat fighters.

He paired everyone off; himself with Natasha and Y/N with Bucky. 

Y/n threw a punch, heading straight towards Bucky’s face, he blocked it, twisting her around around and making her groan in pain. She turned her arm back in a harsh movement, catching the side of Bucky’s jaw and making him grunt. 

She glared at him, stepping forward to punch again but he kicked her legs from under her, watching as she fell to the ground with an oompf.

Y/n went to stand but he pushed her back with his foot, pressing down hard on her ribs, he watched her squirm in pain before she suddenly smiled up at him.

“the best you can do?” she teased.

Bucky almost growled, kneeling down, his knees either side of her hips, his hand around her throat and pressing down harshly. 

“you were saying?” he taunted. 

Y/n gasped for air. She thought Bucky would go easy on her but obviously not. 

She raised her eyebrows in a mocking manner, smirking up at him.

“is it bad that i’m kinda turned on right now?” she spoke, trying to throw him off game, but Bucky’s hand only tightened around her throat. 

Y/n’s eyes went wide, normally she didn’t mind the pain, but his was too much pain and suddenly she realised she didn’t like it as much as she thought she did. At this point she would rather feel nothing than Bucky’s hand constricting her breathing. It was too tight, his grip was crushing her throat.

Her hand moved by her side, hitting the floor repeatedly but Bucky didn’t hear. His hand still wrapped around her throat. It wasn’t her fault he had a bad day, but he was taking it out on her, thinking that she could handle it after all she had spoken about.

Y/n was panicking trying to move her legs but her vision was fading and sh lost all control of her body. Her eyes closed as she passed out. 

Bucky’s hand left her throat immediately, his eyes wide in fear and upset. He didn’t think he had been pressing down that hard. 

He thought she could take it. 

“S-steve” Bucky managed to get out stopping the other two Avengers from fighting.

“Bucky, what the - Y/N?” Steve spoke panicked as he ran over towards them. “what- what did you do Bucky” Steve spoke, his voice threatening as he lifted the girl up from the floor, running with her to get medical attention.

—————————————————————————————————-

Bucky was distraught. He locked himself in his room even when Steve had knocked to tell him Y/n had woken up and was fine.

He didn’t want to face her again. Ever.

How could he do that? 

He had completely overestimated how strong she was. Forgetting that she was only small and that she had no chance against him. 

Bucky couldn’t stop the tears. His eyes rimmed red and blood shot, he hadn’t slept since the incident, he hadn’t eaten, he had done nothing but think about the amount of pain he had caused her, causing him to feel the same. 

He would rather feel nothing than this. This was the worst feeling, 

He had hurt someone he cared deeply about and he didn’t think he would ever forgive himself. 

“Bucky?” A small voice spoke from outside the door, knocking lightly. 

It was y/n. 

“can I come in?” she asked.

Bucky sniffled, wiping under his eyes, which didn’t help at all as the tears were still uncontrollable. 

Bucky hadn’t replied, to busy trying to stop his voice from breaking as a lump was stuck in his throat. Y/n walked in after hearing his sniffles. 

“Bucky, don’t cry… please” she spoke softly, sitting next to the soldier and taking his hand into hers. 

He looked up at her, his eyes landinig on the purple hand mark around her neck, his tears only falling harder.

“i’m so sorry y/n” he cried, his voice uneven as he looked down at his bed sheets. 

“hey, Bucky it’s fine” she spoke squeezing his hand tightly. “I forgive you” she said. 

“You shouldn’t, I can’t, I never will” he said quietly. 

Bucky refused to look at her. It hurt too much. 

“Bucky, you have to forgive yourself, we’re going to move on from this right now, okay?” She demanded softly.

“no- I can’t, you shouldn’t be around me” he whispered.

“I think that would be the most painful thing Bucky” she whispered. “for both of us and you know it” 

“but I hurt you” he cried, not understanding why she didn’t hate him right now.

“I don’t care Bucky, i’m fine, look at me” she spoke. Turning his jaw so he would meet her eyes. 

Her heart bled for him. He looked physically pained, his eyes showing every emotion. 

“If you want to make it up to me” she spoke, Bucky nodding at her “then you have to forgive yourself and you can’t distance yourself from me, because I’m so in love with you Bucky”

His eyes widened, her hand reaching up to wipe away the remaining tears.

“you deserve better” he replied, holding eye contact. 

“I don’t want better, I want you” she said confidently. Bucky hated how much hope was in her eyes. He loved her too but he couldn’t do it to her, couldn’t be hers when he was such a monster.

“y/n we can’t-” 

She cut him off placing her lips against his, he deepened the kiss, his hand cupping her waist and bringing her closer to him.

“don’t say that” she said softly when they pulled apart “just say you want me too”

“of course I want you doll, I’ve always needed you” he whispered, forehead resting against hers. 

“then shut up and keep kissing me” she spoke.

Bucky smiled slightly for the first time in days, his hand rsting on her cheek, thumb stroking her soft skin before pulling her down to him and kissing her like she had asked him to.


End file.
